people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
selena gomez
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.