Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.