Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… š
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you donāt know what you want, either.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I donāt think itās portmantotally malapropriate.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like youāre jumping into a pool without the pool.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[first date]
him: Iām sorry about the sushi but your bio said āreal fish personā
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Iāve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
what are they serving at kfc then???
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
āTrust your gutā ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
This week’s mood.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least Iām well-rested garbage.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I like crazy people until they notice me
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh Iām still waiting.