inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.