If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.