me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Monday
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress