Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up