centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!