I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.