Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
School be like
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude