Waiting for the Charmin
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*