Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
peeping toms
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy