[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Received some very disappointing news today
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
You’ll be OK
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.