who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
welp
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose