Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Breaking news:
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.