Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.