Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Seas the day!!!!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars