[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
who did the taste test?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.