Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring