Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Sounds like a bargain
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler