If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
even bears disappoint their mothers
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.