I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Not today. 😅
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Sorry. Not sorry
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask