Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze