CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
You Might Also Like
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.