I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.