As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
i wish we could shoplift online
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.