Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
You Might Also Like
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Its true…
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby