pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…