[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems