If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
yeah not falling for this one
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question