Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.