I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore