Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
just gave your address to some spiders
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I think my mom just blocked me
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E