do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.