So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.