the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary