The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Lmao the reply
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone