I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*