“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
This made me smile…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think