Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’m an avid indoorsman.