Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
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Battery falling down a hole
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Name another movie that mislead you?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”