Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.