“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Received some very disappointing news today
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.