So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Spider-cat: No One Home