Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Social distancing in Australia:
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone