this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Happy thanksgiving!
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up