[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Ha
the clam before the storm
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.