Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*