SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
The smoothest fall of all time
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???