[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.